Everyone wants to be the GOAT. Everyone wants to talk about who the GOAT is. That’s fine, but what about those players and coaches who aren’t great or even really good? The folks who had long careers in their respective sports despite never being elite. The ones that make you say, “Hey, I remember that guy.”
Well, this is their time to shine. Let’s spend a minute basking in the glory of sports mediocrity in the most cliché way possible: a Mount Rushmore list. Seriously, this just might be the most mediocre form of content, so it makes sense.
There are a few qualifications to make our Mount Rushmore of sports mediocrity. These are:
- Must have played/coached for 10+ years
- Cannot have won a championship
- Cannot be in a major Hall of Fame
Beyond that, it’s all about a player’s or coach’s ability to be average. With that out of the way, here is The Touchback’s Mount Rushmore of sports mediocrity.
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The Mount Rushmore of sports mediocrity
Teddy Roosevelt / Sean Burke
Sean Burke was as average as average could be. He played in 820 NHL games over 18 seasons, finishing with a career record of 324 wins, 341 losses and 101 ties. I miss hockey ties. Anyway, the goaltender found himself on a lot of average or flat-out bad teams after bursting onto the scene in the playoffs with the New Jersey Devils during the 1987-88 season.
In fact, he never won a playoff series after that first run and only won a meager three postseason games over 17 seasons. A contract dispute saw Burke sit out the 1991-92 season, so the goalie instead suited up for Canada in the Winter Olympics. He could only secure a silver medal for his troubles.
The goalie is, in many ways, the embodiment of sports mediocrity. Good enough to be in the league for a long time but never better than average.
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Thomas Jefferson / Emile Heskey
Emile Heskey was derided for being terrible back in the 2000s but that was unfair. I mean he wasn’t good. But he did manage 516 English Premier League appearances and scored 110 goals across 19 seasons in England’s top flight. He also racked up 62 England caps and took part in two World Cups.
The thing about Heskey is that he did enough things well on the pitch to have a long career at soccer’s highest level. However, he was also a striker who didn’t score goals, the worst thing you could possibly be. His inclusion in most EPL sides had more to do with a lack of better options than anything else.
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Abraham Lincoln / Charlie Hough
Charlie Hough spent 25 years in the big leagues, so he was doing something right. It just wasn’t particularly valuable. That usually happens to be the case with most knuckleball pitchers, though. However, even by their standards, the lost old man from the 1993 Topps baseball card was exceptionally mediocre.
Hough finished his MLB career with 216 wins, 216 losses and 61 saves. His 3.75 ERA is perfectly average. He started 440 games and had another 418 appearances out of the bullpen. In 1986, the Texas Rangers starter was named to the AL All-Star team. He threw a wild pitch and got called for a balk in the game. That says it all.
Honorable mentions
Julio Franco played baseball forever and a day. Despite this, he never did anything all that well. His three all-star appearances were a product of injuries to others and a lack of decent American League second basemen more than anything else.
Scott Skiles gets consideration as both a player and coach. He wasn’t talented enough for either role but grinded his way to a bang-average career. But hey, he was in NBA Jam for the Orlando Magic and Shaq was not.
Dave Blaney managed to start 473 NASCAR races without winning a single one. It’s doubtful another driver will ever be given this many opportunities without taking the checkered flag.
George Washington / Jeff Fisher
There is only one person average enough to be George Washington on the Mount Rushmore of sports mediocrity, Jeff Fisher. The former Tennessee Titans and Los Angeles Rams head coach made a career of being .500 or thereabouts.
In his 20 full seasons as an NFL Head Coach, Fisher-led sides finished 8-8, 7-9 or 7-8-1 on ten occasions. Astoundingly, his career record, if you include postseason games, is 180–179–1. Hiring him to be your head coach was the equivalent of flipping a coin each week to determine the outcome of your football game.
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