Bernie Sanders was supposed to lead the progressive movement in a 2020 victory against the political empire. We envisioned him politically maneuvering a dangerous trench run, force-guiding proton torpedoes into the exhaust port of Washington DC and dismantling the worst elements of a broken political system.
We were wrong… but not exactly wrong.
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Bernie Sanders is Obi-Wan Kenobi
It turns out that we miscast Bernie from the very beginning. Bernie isn’t Luke Skywalker. He isn’t seated in the cockpit of that X-wing at all.
Bernie Sanders is the political Obi-Wan Kenobi. He won’t lead the rebellion himself, but without him, the detailed plans for modern American progressivism would stand little chance of success.
This week, Bernie was finally struck down by the red lightsaber glow of the DNC establishment. He dropped out of the race and immediately endorsed Joe Biden.
Luke’s reaction mirrors our own.
Do not despair! Bernie is borrowing this strategy straight from Obi-Wan’s Jedi-approved playbook.
In dropping out, Bernie traded his blue Kohl’s dress shirts for the Jedi robe. He will no longer lead the rebel alliance, but will now play a different role that is equally vital to the success of the American progressive political movement.
Can Bernie be Obi-Wan?
Spoiler Alert: Because of Obi-Wan’s actions, Darth Vader loses and the rebellion succeeds.
Obi-wan’s sacrifice turned out to be a successful strategy. He knew he was outmatched in lightsaber-combat with Darth Vader. However, by conceding that battle, he could most effectively assist the rebellion win the war.
His concession allowed Luke, Leia, Han and Chewbacca to escape with the death star plans. It allowed him to guide key events throughout the story. It even allowed him to counsel Luke in the critical moments that brought down the Death Star.
Like Obi-Wan, Bernie Sanders knew that his 356-delegate deficit made the democratic primary duel unwinnable. He responded in exactly the same way, conceding to serve a further purpose.
Many in the progressive movement disagree with Bernie’s endorsement. It must be considered that Bernie senses something in the force that we don’t.
Obi-Wan knew that there was still good left in Vader. Could Bernie sense the same in Biden?
Obi-Wan had Skywalker. Bernie has… who?
Who is the political Skywalker? Who is the chosen one, destined to bring balance to the force, the carbon-cycle and the wage gap?
Your guess is as good as mine!
A highly-unscientific search for the political Skywalker
The only reasonable way to identify this progressive Skywalker is to unscientifically rank potential candidates based entirely on the “Star-Wars-iness” sound of their name.
Let’s do this.
These aren’t Star Wars names at all:
Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren are obviously terrible Star Wars names.
Out.
Mayor Pete, Amy Klobachar, Cory Booker and Michael Bloomberg don’t fit into the Star Wars universe either.
Eliminated.
We are definitely getting closer:
Tulsi and Kamala are both pretty good Star Wars names and there is no question that Tulsi makes a cool-looking Yoda.
But we can do better!
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That’s pretty damn star-wars-y:
AOC and Beto both have the kind of names that make them excellent contenders for Bernie’s political Skywalker. Add a random integer and AOC-4 is a climate conscious, astromech droid. Beto is a solid name for an alien jizzin’ out jams at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
Sorry, what was that? Jizzin’ out?
You heard correctly. “Jizz” is the actual name for the Star Wars cantina music genre. I am not making this up. I would make that up, but in this case I don’t need to.
Please enjoy this 12-hour video of steadily flowing jizz. A word of caution, two national polls conducted by Rasmussen and Quinnipiac warn that 97 percent of Wookies surveyed ‘strongly agree’ that that is an overly-excessive quantity of jizz.
I have a lot of questions for the remaining 3 percent.
We have a winner!
The winner is California’s 7th congressional district representative Ro Khanna! He has the perfect Star Wars name! Someone get this upstart Jedi a lightsaber, an R2 unit and send him to Dagobah!
Also, check out Ro Khanna’s policies and record. He is an outstanding progressive congressman.
Could you be the one?
Generate your Star Wars name and find out.
Click here to read more about Bernie Sanders and the progressive political movement.
