Every review every published about Pretty Woman seems to mention something about how likable Richard Gere and Julia Roberts’ characters are. And that somehow their love story is this warm, fuzzy tale we should all cheer. Pardon me? This movie is boring as hell and both romantic leads are loathsome figures.
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Let’s start with why I’m bringing this up more than 30 years after the film first hit cinemas. Well, I never could be bothered to watch it until I was recently on a plane with nothing to do. The sole reason I opted to view Pretty Woman was because of the revenge scene everyone talks about. But more on that in a minute.
The case against Richard Gere’s character is fairly straightforward. He’s a boring, rich dude who is kind of a dick. Seriously, most of the movie is him telling what’s-her-face how to act, what to wear or where to go. There is nothing relatable about controlling a woman while pretending she’s somehow teaching you about life.
On the other hand, Julia Roberts’ character gets high praise for her intelligence and salt of the earth demeanor. She’s just the plucky, small-town girl that every man would love. Except she’s not. Not even close.
For starters, this woman is extremely annoying and seems to think she knows far more than she actually does. Plus, only dullards laugh at I Love Lucy. There is also the fact that she became a streetwalker. We’re not talking about a high-end escort or anything. She is working at the BigLots! of sex work. Unless you’re opening an auto repair shop, this woman has no redeeming qualities.
This lack of likeable characters in combination with the film’s slow, 1980s build makes it boring as all hell. Scenes of unneeded dialogue drag on and on. For example, the trip to San Francisco to see an opera was beyond unnecessary. The original Dune has a tighter script and cinematography than Pretty Woman.
Which brings us to the one scene from the movie everyone still talks about. After being refused at some Beverly Hills clothing shop for dressing like a hooker, Julia Roberts’ character buys a bunch of stuff, gets all dressed up and goes back to the store that rejected her to rub it in their faces.
The problem is that in a film that drags, this happens in roughly 30 seconds. You’d be hard pressed to even process what took place because it’s over in the blink of an eye. And the brevity of this scene doesn’t make it seem like proper revenge.
Ultimately, Pretty Woman is a movie about two unlikeable individuals who fall in love despite coming from different backgrounds. They do nothing interesting and should not be watched by anyone. Also, George Costanza tries to rape someone. The End.
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