Despite being an American, I have a fairly open mind when it comes to overseas sports. A big reason for that is due to the fact that I’ve traveled and lived abroad for several years. At the end of the day, watching some sports is better than no sports.
However, no matter how hard I try to follow it, one sport fails to capture my attention. Cricket, and in particular, test cricket is just the worst. It is nothing but a bunch of unathletic individuals following a bunch of colonial rules.
There is such an aura of pretentiousness around test cricket that makes it extremely unlikeable. Look no further than The Ashes 2nd test for proof of that. What was admittedly a reasonably exciting contest was undone by nonsense over “the spirit of the game”.
But before we get into all that, let’s talk about how pointless it is for both teams to wear light colors. Why can’t one side wear a light color and the other side be in a dark color like every other sport in the world?
It turns out this is done so the players can stay cool in the heat of summer. Oh, I suppose that actually makes a bit of sense. Wait, it doesn’t because you have multiple players wearing sweaters and sweater vests. That, by the way, is a ridiculous look for any athletic contest. The only other athletes I can remember popping on a sweater vest before competing were the Mean Street Posse.
The other reason both teams wear white is so players can see the red ball better. However, when you consider baseball has been played with a white ball and white uniforms for basically ever, that doesn’t really add up either.
Speaking of the ball, it is all the announcers will talk about regarding strategy. For some reason, you can only use one ball for 80 overs in test cricket which means its quality can be compromised as an innings progresses. The fact that so much of a match can be determined by the new ball or old ball makes the actions of players less relevant.
Instead of having the players all face a uniform quality ball and letting the better team win, the rules have been gerrymandered in a way that devalues player skill.
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The Ashes 2nd Test proves cricket is pretentious
Speaking of rules, The Ashes 2nd test was a prime example of why cricket is pretentious. As the game was coming to a head on day five, Jonny Bairstow was stumped, or called out, by Australia wicketkeeper Alex Carey.
According to the rules, this is a totally legitimate play by the Aussies. You aren’t supposed to leave your crease until the umpire has ruled the ball dead. That didn’t happen and he was out.
So, what was England’s response to this legal play? Here’s what captain Ben Stokes had to say about it.
“If I was fielding captain I would have had a real think about the spirit of the game. For Australia it was the match-winning moment. Would I want to win a game in that manner? The answer for me is no.”
Two separate things need to be unpacked with Stokes’ statement. Firstly, England had done the exact same thing in a test match against New Zealand a year earlier. It is cool for your team to do but when it happens against you, then it’s a problem.
Secondly, there is the whole spirit of the game sentiment. England spent the entire fourth day throwing unhittable short balls at Australian batters. Even by test cricket standards, it was an unwatchable display that certainly didn’t have the spirit of the game in mind.
However, cricket still faces this insufferable British colonial mindset that the rules of the sport are not simply enough. You also have to follow how England believes the sport should be played which exclusively suits them and can be changed at their whims. It’s like baseball’s unwritten rules, only with more snobbishness.
I always felt my dislike of test cricket was due to me being an American. Maybe there is something about it that us Yanks just can’t comprehend. However, after watching The Ashes 2nd test, I can safely say that is not the case.
Test cricket sucks because it oozes pretentiousness. It is nothing but snooty folks who believe that you not only have to follow the rules of the game but also a bunch of made-up stipulations about its spirit.
Look, I want to like test cricket but until the sport stops getting its knickers in a bunch over the most mundane things, I’m afraid that’s just not possible. Also, stop wearing sweater vests.
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