Let’s find out who is the real Alpha Jackson in a best-of-three head-to-head!
Scenario A:
Both Jacksons are midflight enroute from Baltimore to Los Angeles. They are sitting across the aisle from each other in first class. It’s a relatively empty flight and a bored stewardess is thoughtlessly inspecting an imperceptible pimple on her forehead through her compact mirror.
Lamar Jackson is enjoying a scallop risotto with asparagus tips while watching old episodes of the Jamie Foxx Show. His headphones are turned up way to loud and there is a warning on the screen that long-term prolonged exposure at this volume can result in hearing damage. He doesn’t seem to mind. Samuel L. Jackson has just finished a perfectly prepared Alaskan king crab gnocchi and is on a heated phone call with someone named Diana. The conversation seems to be about a lost keycard and this is the third time it’s happened; Samuel keeps saying that he has had enough of her excuses.
A piercing scream is heard from economy class.
Lamar doesn’t notice or budge. Samuel, however, with Diana mid-explanation, drops the phone from his hand and casts a commanding don’t-start-this-motherfucking-shit glance towards the back of the plane. He knows exactly what is going on here.
Suddenly, throughout the plane, all of the oxygen masks drop out of the compartments above and along with them an agglomeration of various species of highly poisonous snakes.
While Samuel quickly forms a barricade of suitcases and carry-ons, a massive snake falls directly on top of Lamar. This snake has a large, single dreadlock. It is so large it looks like it could carry a football for 195 yards on 30 carries and even push-pass a 3-yard TD to Corey Davis. It will be drafted way too early in fantasy in 2020 despite having almost no PPR appeal. With over 300 rushes and 16 TDs in 2019 it is a prime regression candidate. You will be tempted to take him late in the first but will be better served by choosing someone like Joe Mixon or DeAndre Hopkins.
Samuel L. Jackson 1 – Lamar Jackson 0
Scenario B:
It’s 4th and 4 on the Patriot’s 35. Harbaugh has been rolling the dice in these situations all year long. Greg Roman sighs deeply and considers his options, but the answer is already staring him in the face. The spread option shovel pass has been working flawlessly. Lamar’s quickness is simply too much for most defensive ends to handle.
Even against the exalted 2019-20 Patriots DEF, four yards is a given.
The Ravens huddled. Lamar communicated the play to the rest of the offense, they clapped in unison and jogged into position. Lamar has a bit of a tell where he rubs his hands on his towel before pass plays but doesn’t before run plays. Lamar rubbed his towel as he noticed his RB was lined up on the wrong side.
“Samuel, move…!”
He didn’t need to finish the sentence. Recently signed RB Samuel L. Jackson realized his mistake and corrected it, shifting to the correct side of the play. Matt Skura placed the ball on the turf and awaited the snap. Mark Ingram fired his agent.
No need for a gimmicky hard count.
“HIKE!” Lamar expertly received the ball and immediately began to rush to his right with Samuel stretched out a few yards past him.
Patriots DE Michael Bennett knew he was beat. He was stuck in an impossible spot between the two Jacksons. If he stayed with Lamar he would get beat by the shovel pass. If he protected against the pass and covered Samuel, Lamar would easily get the four and most likely a whole lot more.
All of the sudden, like Mace Windu in Star Wars Episode III, Samuel L. Jackson, untouched, fell to the ground. Some people on the internet want to debate if Mace Windu actually died in that scene since you see him fall out of the building but don’t actually see him die. Does it even matter? Does anyone really care? Shaq once described one of Craig Sager’s suits as horror-awful and that is the best description I can think of for these movies. Apparently Jar-Jar Binks was originally intended to be a sort of drunken-master type Sith lord, but after the first movie premiered the reviews of his character were so bad that they scrapped the whole thing. That’s true. Look it up.
Samuel L. Jackson 1 – Lamar Jackson 1
Scenario C (not really a scenario, just roll with it):
Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson is 71 years old? The guy looks like he is 40. It’s incredible. He was once asked during a post-game broadcast of a Saints/Falcons game that if he were to play football which position would he play? He said he would be a DB so that he could clothesline people. That’s a solid and acceptable answer.
Speaking of great one liners, when Samuel L. Jackson played Shaft he said, “It’s my duty to please that booty.” Nice work right there.
Lamar Jackson scored a 13 on the Wonderlic test. The Wonderlic test is scored from 0-50 and used by scouts to measure the cognitive abilities and problem-solving aptitude of prospective NFL players.
The lowest score of all time is Morris Claibourne who scored a 4. He just won a Superbowl. Frank Gore scored a 6 and he is #3 on the all-time rushing list ahead of Barry Sanders.
The highest Wonderlic score of all time belongs to Pat McInlly who scored a perfect 50. He was a pretty good punter back in the ‘70s.
I decided to take the Wonderlic test to see what it was all about. Could it really help to evaluate a player’s NFL potential? The second question on the test was, “Ben’s General Store is selling yarn for $0.04 a foot. How many feet can you buy for $0.52?”
When I read that question I stopped taking the test; I genuinely can’t think of a less relevant assessment tool. How is this a thing? While they are at it they should also have each prospect go on an ayahuasca-fueled bass fishing excursion with Bill Dance and use that to determine who to draft.
Lamar Jackson gets the point because he wasn’t in Star Wars Episode III.
Samuel L. Jackson 1 – Lamar Jackson 2
Final Verdict:
Congratulations to Lamar Jackson for winning the first episode of VS! Join us next week when Pope Francis and Steve Francis go head-to-head in a barbed wire steel cage match.
