MLS expansion should not happen. The league is better off introducing promotion and relegation. Contraction is another solid option. Really, anything would be better than having 150 clubs in a single table. Of course, logic goes out the window when money is involved.
Las Vegas is the current favorite to land the next franchise, although San Diego and Sacramento continue to make noise about also wanting clubs. All of those are dumb places to have teams just like Charlotte and St. Louis are instantly forgettable locations.
If the MLS must expand, Don Garber and friends should think outside the box. Like way outside the box. Let’s go dumb with it. In that spirit, here are four totally ridiculous MLS expansion ideas that are still better than having a club play in the desert during the summer.
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Where should the MLS expand?
Chivas USA…Mexico
Chivas USA was always going to fail. Chivas’ owner, the late Jorge Vergara, made all his money from a pyramid scheme and was looking to create something similar within the world of soccer. It’s why he purchased both an MLS franchise and a team in Costa Rica. However, the entire operation never gained much traction.
Which brings us to the present day. The MLS has always wanted to expand into Mexico and there is no better way to do that than by relaunching Chivas USA but placing them south of the border. It’s a great idea. You already have lots of brand recognition and can tap into a pre-existing fanbase.
Some of you are probably wondering, wouldn’t this violate trademark or copyright laws? Anyone who has been to Mexico knows that intellectual property regulations aren’t exactly well enforced. And the team’s name is totally different. This will be Chivas USA…Mexico. Not Chivas. It’s not the MLS’ problem if people just call it Chivas.
Houston Dynamo
Yes, the Houston Dynamo already exists. But they should move. It doesn’t even matter where. This expansion is all about creating a legacy for the former San Jose Earthquakes. And that legacy is being the team that moves once every 10-20 years forcing the MLS to award an expansion franchise to the city being left behind.
Across the league will be respawned soccer teams that are the byproduct of this franchise constantly moving. The best thing about doing this is that it creates instant rivalries. San Jose still hates Houston nearly 20 years later. So too do other fanbases. If there must be expansion, at least add some spice to it.
Pro-Choice Gun Control FC (A red state traveling team)
The bulk of MLS expansion teams to have entered the league over the past decade are totally forgettable. Nashville SC, Austin FC and Minnesota United are freaking boring. Inter Miami is a joke. Cincinnati FC gives off strong Charlotte Bobcats vibes. New sides are greeted mostly with indifference from existing fanbases.
Pro-Choice Gun Control FC inspires a completely opposite reaction to that. The club won’t have a home and will instead play in deeply conservative areas of the country. Think Florida Panhandle, the Ozarks, Boise and other locations filled with mouth breathing quasi-racists who shell out money on whatever crap being peddled during Tucker Carlson.
That’s the important thing here. This group would spend a ton of money to go and boo a team championing basic human rights. Funds raised can then be used to support those causes. Let’s not forget, a club promoting reproductive rights and gun control would get a nuclear reaction in middle America. We’re talking a Sgt. Slaughter turning his back on America and professing his loyalty to Iraqi level of bile and anger.
On the flipside, when this club would go on the road to Portland, Seattle, New York or other places where people have passports and some education, it would receive a hero’s welcome. A team bilking money for dumbass conservatives to support worthy causes? Sign me up.
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Vancouver, Washington
This has nothing to do with the city of Vancouver, Washington which is a very meh place. Located directly north of Portland across the Columbia River, the only reason to stop here is because it has a Burgerville. But none of that has anything to do with why it should be a candidate for MLS expansion.
When the Vancouver, Washington team comes into the league, it would create confusion with the Vancouver Whitecaps. And the MLS should lean into this by only listing Vancouver on its schedules. Opposing teams will have no idea of which one they are playing. If they are at home, they have to wait and see which side turns up.
And if they have a road match against one, they have to guess which Vancouver they’re playing and go there. Imagine the scenes as the visiting team takes the pitch in their selected Vancouver and waits anxiously to learn if they have picked the correct venue. It would certainly be vastly more entertaining than watching those ridiculous day games FC Dallas used to play.
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